No, not the morbid, nightmarish thought of it. But think of it like a dream where you hope for the best or manifest the best version of death because everyone deserves it. Well, I have thought about it as a person who has completed 30% of her life, I think I have the authority to manifest a death to my liking instead of succumbing to the pressures of Lord Yama.

Let me make it clear that I am not ready for it right now, at this moment, because of how my headline would read on the city page. That’s what worries me the most if you ask me. I most definitely don’t want my family to ‘book an ad’ on the obituary page. Do you know that’s how it is advertised? (Example 1, 2, and 3) It’s not even respectfully called a ‘space’ or ‘column’. So that rules out natural death. Plus, since I haven’t achieved anything notable I would be left to being called a ’20-something year old woman’ or ‘youth’ if I die of unnatural causes. Sometimes newspapers mention the profession of the subject even though it’s completely unrelated to the story, this gives me hope. Journalism is not dead after all.

What I would LOVE is the addition of ‘mysterious circumstances’ on my headline. It just adds aura around my death. Oh sure, the tanker truck with a drunk driver hit her auto which was also overspeeding but when you add the word ‘mysterious’ it makes one think. Also, death by accident scares me because imagine my death turning into a joke when they learn that my brain was lying squished on the road. Or even worse, what if nothing comes out and I am branded a thick skull. There’s no winning here.

So scratch that. Break-in and murder? Getting stabbed hurts, I think and if not done right, I might just end up in a coma. Imagine an ill-prepared robber coming into my place, without having a shred of idea that I am the most precious thing in the house. He then goes on to kill me with my own kitchen knife which is duller than my maths. Always be sure to check the knife when you know murder is imminent.

[Random thought: imagine if humans also released lachrymator compounds when we are cut, making the murderer cry. Would stabbing be the least convenient way of murder then? Food for thought]

Now what about a sibling or family dispute? Impossible because they are too sweet. Although my sister has plotted my death at least 10,000 times (that I know of), I am sure her good instincts will take over at the right moment. That’s how you know they are your real family. Also, if my sister ever kills me, the highlight would be on her since she is a techie. Trust me, ‘Bengaluru techie’ as a headline category is on par with the ‘Florida man‘ (Or it is at least getting there). It deserves a Wikipedia page.

What I would settle for is a gunshot because I never seem to duck when someone throws stuff at me. I anyway wouldn’t have the time to duck when a bullet is coming at me at around 1,000 km/h. I feel this fits most of what I am looking for in death: not natural (guns are not natural), lots of mystery (hey why a gun, why a gun on Deepthi, how did the killer get a gun, was it illegal? lots of content here even if it is used in a robbery), and a definite painless death (works better than a knife), and maybe I will even make it to that a tiny 1.7×2.5 column on the side of the front page. I would also need to be more than a ‘youth’ and ‘woman’ just so that the method of murder doesn’t overshadow my death. That’s the dream.

Note: I promise that I don’t have an existensial crisis. This is just a happy take on death.